Small Victories

Sometimes I feel exhausted. I have days where I seriously think if I pour one more ounce out of me I will shrivel up and die. Yes, that is dramatic. Sometimes I feel discouraged. I think that I will not change this world, that when I die I will not be remembered for changing anybody's life. Sometimes I am lazy. Sometimes I am prideful. Sometimes I am apathetic. Sometimes I listen to lies.
That sounded like a sob story. I want to be real. Transparent. My life is no where close to being perfect. It can be hard, frustrating, emotional and challenging. But that is life. Thankfully, I know Truth. Thankfully, sometimes I do all of the above, but during those moments of insecurities I rely on Jesus, my Sustainer.

I do feel discouraged and totally inadequate to make a difference in my community. The best part of that is acknowledging that it is true. I am completely inadequate. Weakest person I know. But that is no excuse to avoid greatness. Jesus is better than all of that and He works through me.

I want to share victories that I got to see in the last week.
I remind myself the victories because I am thankful. It encourages me. There is something way bigger than myself.

One- I got to see Jesus in such a powerful way with my friends last Friday night. We sat around candles and shared our hearts. We were vulnerable, real, and loving. Sometimes I feel like our community has moments similar to the beginning chapters of Acts where the disciples spent time together in such a radical way. My friends and I cried and laughed, but most importantly we shared life. It was beautiful. It was a night that I will always remember.

Two- I got the opportunity to hang out with my dear friends Renee, Casey, James and Tasha a lot recently. We are all doing the same ministry at East Mont High School, so super sweet to get to share my life with them. And learning to be more intentional with them. We got to go on an adventure together. We went horseback riding. So much fun, until I got bucked off a horse.... (real story, I thought that only happened in movies)

Three- I have been praying constantly to share my life with specific high schoolers in hopes that they will grow closer to Jesus. This prayer has been going on seriously for two years. It has been my own lack of faith to want it to be done in my own timing. But this past week, two high schoolers approached me as being so teachable and interested and learning more about who Jesus is. That is the greatest gift I have ever recieved. I want nothing more than to introduce Christ and deepen that relationship.

Four- Sometimes I feel like I am fighting against great odds. I have encountered almost ever dramatic home life imaginable. Homeless, fatherless, food stamps, no food, abuse, neglect, pregnancy, prostitution, drugs, gangs... my heart is still processing these lifestyles I have encountered. I feel like sometimes there is so much on the line. How could I not follow Jesus into the homes of the broken? But all of this heartbreak leads to more of a broken heart than a victorious one.... But tonight, a high schooler who has seen more than I have in my life laughed in my car on the way home tonight. She laughed. A layer was peeled, a wall broken down. That is a victory.

Everyday beholds small victories. It is just about whether we have the right contacts on to see them.

Weak sauce

Sometimes, I just really feel lucky. Maybe the better word is thankful. I am in college. I know that seems like the norm from where I am from, but it is not around the world. At East Mont High School, I can't count the number of times I felt like suffocating a teenager because they don't have dreams outside of going to their local community college. Am I allowed to say I wanted to suffocate a high schooler? Probably not, if it helps I didn't actually do it. I am also not bashing community college, but I desire so badly that my high school friends can see what I see in them, what Jesus sees in them. They have purpose. I am thankful I have the opportunity to openly say the name Jesus. That is something I take for granted often. I am thankful I am well-off, and that I have a heart that will give. How often do I notice how lucky I am? How often do I get everything I pray for and forget to praise my God? I am such a weak christian. I really am. Sometimes, I think unintentionally we compare on some sort of christian scale how legit someone is in their walk with the Lord. And most of the times, it is a compliment to be called a strong christian. I want to be the opposite. My goal is to be a weak christian. I want to pursue humility. I want to be as weak as possible to ensure I will run into my Father's arms at every minuscule thing. I want to pray as if my mission rely's on myself. And I want to work/move knowing it does rely on Jesus. If spreading the gospel relied on me, let me tell you this world would be in big trouble. Thankfully, it is up to the Big Guy and therefore, I can work by simply following where Jesus goes. There is nothing simple about following Jesus, it is so ironic, it cost nothing at all, yet cost everything.

Today, I went to Shawsville, VA where East Mont is at. Shawsville is a very poor place. Beautiful, filled with mountains and rivers, but very economically poor. There is such a need there. I went to hang out with two of my friends, we went to a dance studio at this horse barn/plantation. It was beautiful. I felt like I was in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, as if we were going to light candles and sit in a circle or something. But we did so much more than share our hearts. We danced. We laughed. We explored. I never want to live a day when I do not laugh. I entered into their world. And I realized how thankful I was. It was so refreshing to see such a beautiful studio in the midst of such an impoverished town.

God is working there. I just feel Him moving. I drove the 30 minute drive praising what has yet to come there. And I am so excited, and thankful that I am challenged daily. I stopped at a river, to collect myself and just be excited for a few more minutes before I had to enter back into the craziness of my life. Those few minutes were the best part of my day. How lucky am I that I get to escape to a place like this? This week I talked to dear friends about seeing where a person takes their body is a reflection of their soul. I can only hope that my soul reflects how in love I am with Jesus. 

Married to Waterpolo?

I thought about writing a blog about my life without necessarily saying the name Jesus. Seriously, it was a thought process. I figure by the way I live my life, people will tell there is something different about me. I don't know why but as soon as you bring up Jesus' name, things get uneasy. Palms begin to sweat. People's hearts begin to race just like they do during public speaking. The inner dialogue starts, "What will I say if she asks me about Jesus? What do I think?"

This is my reaction to that: Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

I'm not saying His name in vain (you know that way you say it when you stub your toe) that could get awkward.  I don't want it to be portrayed in text that way. I am saying His name on the rooftops because He is my everything, every breath, every word, every step is for Him. Jesus will be brought up. Talking about my life can not go without Him. Full, satisfying life is interlaced with Jesus. Think about lace, it is fine and has great detail, Jesus is thread together by love, hope, truth, life, sufferings, joy, sorrow, pain, adventure. All of it. Everything. 

When I was driving home from my innertube water polo match, I was for one soaking wet. Two, I was reflecting on whether I should continue to play. I am usually calm, but for some reason I suck at being competitive. I either am totally apathetic, or totally am anything-goes-just-win mode. Tonight it was the second option, (yes, you read it right, I was worked up over an innertube waterpolo match) but what is righteous competition? Is there such a thing? And I do not know. But I was so worked up that my emotions were not by any means showing others selfless love, and I felt wronged by how I acted. Then out of the ordinary, I heard "I married you"

It made more sense than ever. 

I am the Beloved. I am the Bride. I am the walking example of the book of Hosea. He loves me for my faults, for my failures, and for my screw-ups (and oh do I have many). He loves me when I beg Him to leave me alone. He loves me every time I fall short of being perfect. 

I can not hide a relationship that intimate. Sharing stories of my crazy life will not be enough if I don't mention the One I follow. Jesus wrecked my life. And the story of how He is putting me back together more beautifully is one heck of a story.

Stop ceasing

If it were up to me, I would have a lot more friends that were my own age. Wow that sounds depressing... I am going somewhere with this so hang in there. I would have friends that are a lot more like me, not girls who have purple hair, or grew up in a trailer park. If I had to predict my college life five years ago, I would say I will end up in a sorority, majoring in anything that will end up making me a lot of money, and spending all of my free time probably with a red solo cup in my hand (that's just what I assumed college girls did).
Thank God He had something different in store for me!

I am completely opposite than anything I would have ever predicted. I spend my free time going to High School basketball games. Or meeting with local guidance counselors about how to stop eating disorders. Or driving with high school friends to waterfalls in the middle of the night just because it is adventurous. You can say I'm lame. My life is going in a completely different direction and that is scary to me.

I have been thinking about dreams a lot lately. Not the ones you have after you fall asleep (although I do wonder why Tim Riggins keeps popping up in those!), but my dreams for my life. My dreams for who I want to be. And I realized how distorted my dreams are. It is as though I do not want to dream too big for the fear of failure. What if I don't make something of myself? But I am determined to make a difference in this world. And I do believe I will. So lately, my mind has been intoxicated with this summer, or when I graduate, what is the radical thing I will do? Go to Spain, or Africa or innercity New York? At this current moment I have literally 16 different internet tabs open for different options. (Can you say obsessive?)

Then it was just a whisper, "Stop".

Okay, I did not know what that was about. So I began to search the only source of Truth I know. And there it was, plain and simple. Seriously, it was the first page, the first thing I read.
"Cease striving and know that I am God" -Psalm 46:10
BOOM! That is what I define as a smack in the face. I was silent. Other versions say "Be still". Oh and it does not stop there!

I started reading this book called Kisses From Katie (must-read!) And it talks about the concept of how ordinary people live extraordinary lives. I think I have been so enthralled with being extraordinary that I have forgotten I am so ordinary. Less than ordinary really. I need to focus on the small things right now. Every life I encounter matters. Right now. I want to be where I am, right here, where I am meant to be right now. I am not in Africa. I am not in Spain. I am in Montgomery county, the poorest county in Virginia and saying there is a need here is an understatement. I am a missionary even if I am not oversees. Yes, I am an ordinary college student, but I want to make a mark here. I want to obey in the direction God is pushing me to even if by our society's standards it is lame. I want to be in a different standard. I don't want to conform. I don't want to settle. I will change this world. Mark my words, but it will not be me, I am far too inadequate, but here's the thing God is a lot larger than the box I sometimes put Him in.